Acts of Marriage

by Michael Ng

Marriage is a paradox. What is a paradox? A paradox is a statement that seems to say something opposite to common sense or the truth, but which may contain a truth. For example, "marriage is like flies on a window panel, those on the outside want to get in, and those on the inside want to get out." To a large extent what we see in marriages today reflects this paradox. That is why many young people do not see marriage as a long lasting prospect. There is also a great lack of good models in marriage. In the media and elsewhere examples of bad marriages and divorce flood the market. Added to this fact is that there are more negative things said about marriage. Is it than a wonder that divorce is so prevalent not only amongst the young but older couples as well? It is a frightening thought that nothing kills love and romance faster than marriage. Isn't it amazing that marriage which is supposed to be the climax of a love relationship has become the beginning of a disaster? Isn't it strange that a man will do anything to prove his love for the women of his heart would eventually do anything within his means to terminate it? Strange as it may seem, this is what is happening to many couples. Once they were hopelessly in love, now they are hopeless in marriage, isn't this a great paradox?

Whether you like it or not the natural drift of the husband and wife relationship is towards isolation. That is why you will find that after years or even months after marriage signs of physical and emotional isolation begins to surface. Unfortunately, many couples do little to address this, and it will continue to deteriorate through the years to a point that they lose all connection, physical, emotional and spiritual. Technically their marriage is "dead", despite the fact that they may be eating on the same table, sleeping in the same bed, living in the same house and have children. But when they look at each other in the eyes, it is hollow, lifeless, dull and dead. What they see is a beautiful love story that has deluded them and left them desperately lonely.

One thing is certain, if our marriage is not growing, then it is dying. It is either drifting towards isolation or towards oneness. We need to make every effort to make sure that our own marriage is growing and maturing. We need to acknowledge and recognize that marriage is the most difficult and complex relationship known to man. As a result, we must continuously and consistently work at our marriage relationship. Otherwise, I can assure you that in a matter of time the two of you will find yourself drifting in isolation. And before you realize it, you have lost each other and all connectedness with each other. You will find your once "true love" is now but an illusion, and you wonder who is that "stranger" lying on the other side of your bed.

I will use the acrostic ACTS to suggest some critical areas to work at in our journey as husbands and wives. We must intentionally choose to work on our marriage. You must think what you can give into your marriage rather than what you can get out of it. You must be other focus and not self focus; you must be other centered and not self centered. What you do in your marriage must be counter-culture, otherwise if you follow the current philosophy of marriage, I guarantee you that your marriage is doom to fail on the very on-set.

A - adjustment - a lifetime process

Marriage is not an event but a journey and through the course of that journey there are many life challenges. It is imperative for any couple to make adjustment in the face of changes. Adjusting to changes can come in many forms; the most obvious would be a change in your marital status, once you were single, now you're married. Once you only think about yourself but now you have to consider your spouse. Once your world revolves around yourself, now it does not. You have to make major adjustments, in terms of your role and responsibilities as a husband or wife. You do not have the liberty to live as an independent adult. Your status as a married person requires you to live interdependently of your spouse. Adjusting to each other as husband/wife can also give rise to many marital conflicts. The fist thing we have to content with is the fact that we are so different; as a result we may see ourselves at odds with each other. But this is perfectly normal in any marriage relationship. There is no marriage relationship that is free from conflict. The goal is not to be free from conflict but how to resolve when it arises. Making adjustment is one solution. Bear in mind that when you make adjustments, your focus is to find a win-win situation. Focus on arriving at a solution, keep in mind that in the process of making adjustment, you must adapt, accept, accommodate and anticipate changes. Most of us don't like changes. Some of us may even resist changes. But in reality life is a constant change. The more you resist changes the more difficult it is for you to make adjustments of any kind. Flexibility is also a very crucial element. Don't be so rigid that you become a difficult person to live with. Expect disappointments and unfulfilled expectations of each other. Your spouse cannot fulfill all your needs. Don't expect your spouse to change what you won't change. And never expect more of your spouse than you expect of yourself. The underlying principle in making adjustment is the willingness to accommodate and make personal sacrifices. Making adjustment is not about changing your spouse. You will be disappointed if your goal is to change your spouse. For things to change you must change first, you need to make the necessary adjustment without waiting for your spouse.

How successfully a couple copes with the daily stresses and demands of life depend on how well they have adjusted to each other and the circumstances or situations they encounter. The more well adjusted they are to each other, the more likelihood they will be able to handle other areas of major adjustments like changes in careers or lifestyles. Often many situations are out of our control. We just have to adapt, accept and accommodate to the given situation and to each other. We go through different seasons in life, just like the four seasons of spring, summer, autumn and winter. When you are young your life is full of zest and energy like spring time, but as you progress into the wintertime of your life, it is slower and mellower. So we need to recognize that we need to adjust to our physical, emotional and spiritual needs and well being at the different seasons of our lives, as well as those of our spouse. We need to look at what season of life we are at now, and see how well we have make adjustments - to each other, without abandoning our spouse out in the winter cold when they need us most.

C - Commitment

Commitment in a marriage is a lifetime decision just as making adjustments is a lifetime process. The degree of your commitment to your marriage will determine how committed you are in making the necessary adjustment in your marriage. Lifetime commitment is a choice; it is a deliberate act of the will. Remember your marriage vow - "for better, for worse; for richer, for poorer and in sickness and in health, till death do us part." No one forced you to make that vow, both of you chose it on your own free will. You made a commitment to remain true to each other through thick and thin. This is what love is, and this is the kind of love that pleases God. This is the kind of commitment that our present generation desperately needs to see and model after. In our culture of divorce, there is little commitment in the marriage. Couples simply give up and walk out instead of working out their marriage. It is always easy to walk out than work out. The idea of a lifetime commitment is never a consideration, or worse it is considered old fashion. The health and strength of a marriage depends on the degree of the commitment. The more committed they are to each other; the more likely they will also be committed in the other aspects of their marriage. We need to ask ourselves, are we more committed to our spouse TODAY compared to YESTERDAY? If we have not been, then it is important we take steps to do so. Our commitment to our spouse is not optional. Commitment is part of the marriage package deal. Keep working at your commitment level and you will have an ideal marriage; otherwise your marriage will be an ordeal. Make your choice.

T - Trust

The degree of your commitment will also determine the level of your trust. The deeper your commitment the higher will be your trust level. This simply means that if your trust level as a couple is very low, it just shows that there is little commitment in your marriage. A simple equation is this- deep commitment = high trust, shallow commitment = low trust. Imagine a pulley system.

Trust is the reflection of your commitment to each other. Therefore continue to pursue a deep commitment and meaningful relationship in all aspects of your marriage. Learn from each other what it takes to be committed as a couple because trust and commitment are the pillars of marriage. Together they form a strong foundation for a growing relationship. Marriage is not stagnant, it is never meant to be stagnant. Marriage grows best when there is mutual trust. Marriage strives best when trust is at its highest level. On the other hand, if there is mistrust in the marriage, the reverse effect takes place. The marriage will remain stagnant or in many instances it becomes cold and distant. As a result it will have adverse effect on all areas of the marriage relationship, particularly in the area of communication. Poor communication is a symptom of the beginning of a relationship turned cold. Do not ignore the early symptoms because if you do not take action as a couple to rectify the situation it will not get better, but it will only get worst. The worst thing you can do to hurt your marriage is to ignore what is happening and not do anything about it. Don't live in denial. To live in denial is to fool yourself. Remember you can fool the whole world, but you cannot fool yourself. Face reality and get the necessary help from family counselors.

The natural drift in a marriage relationship is towards isolation and not oneness. Isolation is a condition where one excludes the other. Eventually you will be so distant and cold not only emotionally and physically but spiritually as well. The marital health and happiness as well as the general emotional wholeness of the home including the children depends very much on how well you handle the delicate balance between the two, commitment and trust. Make sure that your marriage is a duet and not a duel. You have a choice.

S - Sexual intimacy

Gen 2:24-25." For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame." The physical union or sexual union is an expression of oneness with the total person. The celebration of this "Eros" or sexual love is exclusive and is reserved only in a husband and wife relationship. Any form of sexual encounter outside the marriage relationship is sin and a betrayal of trust in the marriage covenant. Any sexual union with any other than your spouse is illicit sex. The result of leaving, cleaving, and becoming one flesh is transparency with one another, or ONENESS (naked and not ashamed).

There is a great difference between having sex and sexual intimacy. A couple can engaged in sex without experiencing sexual intimacy. Sexual intimacy is more than the meeting of two hot passionate bodies. Sexual intimacy is the deepest form of communication between a married couple. It involves the body, soul and spirit - the whole being of the person. Therefore it is only reasonable to assume that if there is little or no communication between the couple for whatever reasons surely their sex life will be far than desirable. Sexual intimacy is the giving of oneself as well as receiving of the other with transparency and honesty. One would not be able to respond or would find it difficult to respond to the advances of the spouse if there is hurt, bitterness or resentment or any unresolved conflict. These are some of the common emotional blockages that need to be resolved. It is not wise to ignore these negative emotional blockages. Talk and discuss with your spouse and seek to understand each other. Communicate to your spouse that you want to resolve all issues and not continue to hurt each other emotionally. Be totally transparent with each other. Here again the importance of commitment and trust between the couple cannot be downplayed. Take note how important the link is between commitment and trust with communication and sexual intimacy. At any one time when the link is broken, your level of communication as well as your sexual life will adversely be affected in a negative way.

Sexual intimacy is far more intricate than one would expect, it is not just about the methodology or the frequency that determines the quality of a healthy sexual life. The best way to improve your sexual life and to enjoy and celebrate God's gift of sex in the marriage relationship is to first work on your personal relationship with God and with your spouse without compromising the level of your commitment and trust with each other. Once you are on the right track, you will surely experience a healthy and enriching sexual love with each other. Remember sexual love is a gift from God, so celebrate it to the fullest.

Michael is the National Director for FamilyLife Malaysia, a ministry of Malaysia Campus Crusade for Christ. In the insurance industry since 1987, he and his wife Judy have spoken at many FamilyLife conferences. They have been happily married since 1984 and have two daughters.