10 As in a Marriage

by Michael Ng

Affirmation in marriage.

Affirmation is in great deficiency, especially in marriages.

What is affirmation? Affirmation is positive reinforcement or confirmation of certain values and qualities or character of a person.

During our courtship days, we deliberately or intentionally affirm each other in our actions and words. Spoken words are powerful, and we do that a lot during our courtship. We think of the best of each other and we lavish each other with lots of powerful words of affirmation. That is one reason why we want to be in each others company, we feel good about each other. We say to each other. You are so sensitive; you are so thoughtful, so sweet, so gentle, so beautiful, so handsome, so hot, so cool, so kind, so considerate. I remember Judy, my wife, and I said some of those things to each other. But I did not say she was hot and she definitely did not say I was cool. We also showered each other with all kinds of endearments - dear, honey, sweetheart, darling etc., etc. In short we pay a lot of attention to each other.

Look at what Solomon said to his wife, Songs 1:10, "Your cheeks are beautiful with earrings, your neck with strings of jewels. 11We will make you earrings of gold studded with silver." "15How beautiful you are my darling, Oh, how beautiful, your eyes are doves."

Solomon's wife said to him, 16How handsome you are my lover. Oh how charming. And our bed is verdant."

Songs 2:8, "Listen! My lover! Look! Here he comes, leaping across the mountains, bounding over the hills. 9My lover is like a gazelle or a young stag..."

What do you think our marriage will be like if we consistently and intentionally focus on affirming each other on a daily basis? I am sure we will have a very secure loving and healthy marriage relationship and definitely a blissful one too. Family counselors and therapist would be most curious and would want to know what the secret for our success in marriage is.

In reality, you will notice that during courtship we show our best, after marriage we show the rest. After marriage, we begin to affirm each other less and less. We begin to take each other for granted, isn't it true? Instead of affirming each other we begin to criticize each other. Let us be really honest, when was the last time you affirmed your spouse, by your action or by saying something positive, like "dear, you are such a hardworking and generous father or dear you are such a wonderful and caring wife." If you have not done so, I encourage you to do it today, but don't do it only for one day, do it as often as you can. Affirmation is in great deficiency.

Your spouse need your affirmation, give your spouse large doses of affirmation, be generous with your affirmation. Replace criticism with affirmation. Remember this, affirmation is positive reinforcement. Affirmation helps us to focus on the positive, criticism focus on the negative. Affirmation builds up your spouse, criticism tears down your spouse. Affirmation energizes us, criticism depletes us. Affirmation says, "I value you and cherish you and I want the best for you." Affirmation helps you to focus on the positive value of each other. Think of something that you can do or say to affirm your spouse today. You will never live to regret it. And do it as often as you can. An affirmation a day keeps the Divorce lawyer away.

Affection in Marriage.

What is affection? Affection is a feeling of love, fondness, and warmth.

It is a positive emotion that attracts us toward the person whom we love or like. During courtship we openly display our physical and emotional affection without much reservation. In the book of Songs of Solomon you will notice the deep affection being displayed by the praises of Solomon and his wife and the deep longing for each others companionship. Solomon's wife said, 3:1, "All night long on my bed, I looked for the one my heart loves…" Before we got married we day dream a lot about our lover too. Day and night we cannot stop thinking about each other. And we cannot stop talking because we have so much to say to each other. If we have nothing to talk about, being in the presence or company of each other is good enough. Our affection for each other is like super glue that glues us together. We cannot bear to be separated even if for a brief moment, the thought of separation is just too painful. We declare our undying love for each other in poetic ways like King Solomon.

Solomon said in 4:8, "Come with me from Lebanon, my bride, come with me from Lebanon... 9You have stolen my heart, my sister my bride, you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace." So poetic and romantic. Actually, man can be romantic if they want to be. Women are die-hard romantic by nature. In fact all women suffer from this disease called "romanticism" which they don't want to be cured.

What do you think will happen if we were to continue to show our deep affection even after marriage, the way King Solomon and his wife did? In fact we should be even be more affectionate after marriage. But the sad truth is we are not. When we turn or give our affection to another person instead of our spouse, it is emotional adultery. We are actually beginning to cut or distance ourselves from our spouse emotionally. When we begin to distance ourselves emotionally we will become more and more distant and disconnected with each other. Slowly but surely our love, passion and desire for each other will die a slow death. Someone said, "Marriage is the graveyard of Love." How tragic! We marry because we love, but after marriage we allow our love to die a slow death. This need not happen to your marriage. Remember, to continue to shower each other with deep affection and I assure you that you will recapture the "lost" romance you yearn for.

Admiration in Marriage.

What is admiration? To regard with wonder and delight; to admire a person of high moral worth, to admire a landscape. A feeling of delighted approval and liking.

I have not come across anyone who does not like or want to be admired. In fact if we are honest, we all want to be admired. And there is nothing morally wrong to want to be admired. I would say that admiration is a power from of positive affirmation. And admiration can be also a powerful motivation to keep us striving to do better in our relationships as well.

How do you feel about yourself and how do you feel towards your spouse when he or she admires you. "Dear, I really admire you for your guts to stand up for doing the right thing and standing up for your principles." Or "Wow, you chose to spend your time with me shopping rather than playing golf on your day off!" I don't know about you, but when Judy my wife admires me for doing something well, or for standing up to my convictions and principles I feel good and positive about myself. It motivates me to keep going especially in hard times. Her admiration is an affirmation that I am doing the right thing and that pleases her. I want to see her approval and delight in what I do in carrying out my roles and responsibilities as a husband.

If we look hard enough there are many reasons for us to admire our spouse in what they do well. But we don't. We are quick to admire, and heap praises on other people's spouses. But we have very little or nothing good at all to say of our own spouse. The worst part is we tell our spouse, "why can't you be like so and so's husband, or why can't you be so and so's wife?" Remember this; comparison is one of the most deadly sin in marriage.

I think many of us feel so demotivated and bored with each other and our marriage is because we fail to see the power of admiration. The longer we are married the less we admire our spouse. "Familiarity breeds contempt" is so true in many marriages. Instead of admiring and giving words of affirmation many couples make sarcastic remarks and sharp criticism in public places to the embarrassment of the spouse. Such cutting remarks only fuel the resentment of the spouse. Nothing can be more demeaning than to put down our spouse in front of others. Yet, many do it without any regard for the feeling or dignity of the spouse. Is it any wonder that we see so many married couples withdraw themselves from each other because of the harsh and bitter words they hurl at each other instead of words of affirmation, affection and respect. I believe if we focus on seeing the good in our spouse, and make every effort to admire the positive qualities of each other and reinforce them with our admiration; our marriage relationship will definitely be transformed for the better. Make it a point today to share something with your spouse you greatly admire.

Michael is the National Director for FamilyLife Malaysia, a ministry of Malaysia Campus Crusade for Christ. In the insurance industry since 1987, he and his wife Judy have spoken at many FamilyLife conferences. They have been happily married since 1984 and have two daughters.