Are Youths Rebellious?
by Rev Dr Herbert Tan
Parents have often asked me: “Why are youths so
rebellious? I prefer to rephrase the question: “Why are my
children rejecting the model they see in me?” What is often seen
as rebellion is really nothing more than a rejection of the models
youths see in their homes. We often see rebellion as an issue in
obedience vs disobedience, which has to do with the sinful nature or
simply sinful acts. However, the so-called “rebellion” that we
are dealing with here is not of that nature but about rejection of
models in identity formation. How does this happen?
Adolescents go through a period of what
psychologists like Erik Erikson and James Marcia call identity
formation. Youths want answers to questions like “Who am I? How do
I fit into the adult world?” They go through the stages of
Exploration and Commitment, according to Marcia. In Exploration,
youths examine or try out certain options/models they see or
perceive in others. In Commitment, they decide to commit to certain
options/models or a combination of a few. When youths go through
this period, they are looking for models to explore and possibly
commit themselves to. The most immediate models would be in their
homes. If they don’t like what they see, they reject them and look
elsewhere. These models could be their peers, their heroes or
others. Taking after these models makes teenagers look like they are
rebelling against their parents.
Absentee Parents
Many parents who are missionaries and pastors
struggle very hard with their teenage children. A college-age youth
once told me, “I will NEVER end up like my father in ministry
because when I needed him most, he was not around.” His father was
an international evangelist. The son of a pastor hates the fact that
he is one. He tells of the unrealistic expectations placed on him by
Sunday School teachers and classmates, who expect him to be an
angel. Then he comes home to see his father being frustrated with
ministry, or downcast after a church board meeting, or just being
unfairly treated by a church member. Deep down in his heart he
thinks, “When I grow up, I don’t want to be like my father.”
Or worse, “I don’t want to have anything to do with this
Christianity stuff.” One such example in Scripture where the
children did not take after their parent’s identity even though
the parent was a servant of God would be the priest Eli and his two
sons Hophni and Phinehas (1 Samuel 3-4).
Psychological Orphans
Many parents are not heroes to their children
because they were not there for them when they were growing up. I
know of parents from rural towns who leave their children for weeks
to work elsewhere. One even left home for years to work overseas. Is
it any wonder that youths don’t look up to such parents and decide
to do their own thing? For some, their parents are there but
relatively uninvolved, to the extent that they feel psychologically
abandoned. One such
youth told me he dislikes going home because “home is not like
home” and he doesn’t feel his parents really care for him.
Strommen and Strommen in their research of youths reported such
findings in the book Five Cries of Youth, calling them the
psychological orphan. One similar example in Scripture would be
David who “had never interfered” in his son Adonijah’s life.
He was not really involved in his son’s life, to the extent that
Adonijah did his own thing and crowned himself king unlawfully (1
Kings 1).
Languages of Love
Or parents may not be heroes to their children
because love has not been communicated in a significant way. You may
say, “Hold it! But I provide for my children materially. Isn’t
that love?” Well, that is only one of the languages of love but
our children may be speaking some other language. In one youth camp,
my wife surveyed the youths and found that the two main languages of
love used by youths are spending time together and meeting
emotional, not material needs. No wonder parents end up being
rejected as heroes and models for identity formation. Not only that,
their love-starved children are angry with them. To live in a
king’s palace and be the king’s son would place someone like
Jonathan within reach of plenty of love as expressed through the
meeting of material needs. Yet Jonathan joined the rest in looking
to David as a hero more than his own father, King Saul, because he
probably had a different language of love.
Double Standard
If the covenant he made with David as soul mates
(1 Samuel 18:1-4) reflects one of the languages of love, it would
probably be that of being on the same side and for generations to
come (1 Samuel 20:12-17; 2 Samuel 9). What a big miss and a deep hurt to have found out that his
father was not on the same side with him (1 Samuel 20:30)! And so
Jonathan, while maintaining the biological relationship with his
father, began to look to David as the anointed, certain next king of
Israel. It is rejection, not rebellion!
Other parents may not be heroes simply because
they have not been living exemplary lives before their children,
often maintaining a double standard in the way they deal with
outsiders and those in their household. I once overheard a youth
asking his father, “Why are you so nice to people in church but so
nasty to your own family?” It is difficult to be considered a hero
in such a situation.
How do we avoid rejection by our children as they
grow up? The key is to start building relationships with them while
they are young. Here, we are talking about building friendships with
them and not assuming that family ties are sufficient. This requires
spending time with them so that by the time they are adolescents,
and assuming you have lived a quality life, they would seriously
consider you as one of their options for identity formation.
There is no substitute to spending quantity time
with our children because it is in quantity time that quality time
happens. We may plan for so called “quality” time but children
do not just throw a switch to quality mode. We may plan memorable
events for them but when they need our presence, are we there for
them? Here are some suggestions to begin to lay a framework for
identity formation before our children reach the age of youth:
- For many, meal times might be the only occasions parents have
time with their children. Involve your children in conversation and
the sharing of life experiences without the distraction of things
like TV.
- Take weekends off with your children to spend fun time
together.Don’t bring your work home to do over the weekend.
- When traveling, make calls home to talk with them. Get little
and inexpensive but meaningful gifts for them and talk to them about
what those gifts mean to you and how they remind you of them.
- Frequently do special things for them and with them so that
they are “wow-ed!” by you.
- Husbands should openly express love for their wives. This
builds security in their children’s lives and helps prevent the
occurrence of the psychological orphan.
But what if teenagers have rejected their parents
as models? Here are
some suggestions for parents to assist youths in proper identity
formation:
- Seek to spend as much time with them as possible or
acceptable at this point in their lives. About three years ago, the
Malaysian deputy minister of education recommended that fathers
spend two minutes a day with their children instead of the average
half a minute, saying that this will help solve some of the social
ills among youths.
- Intentionally expose them to good models outside the home.
One such context is in youth leadership camps or retreats, where
they will get an up-close encounter with adults who can be good
models for them to consider.
- Encourage and help them to find an adult mentor they can look
up to in journeying with them in life. This may be tricky if they
have a certain distrust of adults but intensive exposure to such
possible adults in camp/retreat situations could foster such
relationships.
- Invite model Christians to be special guests at youth events
where youths can interact with such people.
- Do with them character studies from Scripture where they can
be exposed to the many models found in the Bible.
Rev Dr Herbert Tan is a
FamilyLife Consultant with MCCC. Married with 2 children, he does
extensive training for families and leaders who work with youth
throughout Malaysia. He is also a Strategic Resource member of
South-East Asia Campus Crusade for Christ.
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