Conflict Resolution Begins at Home

by Rev Dr Herbert Tan

Paul in his first letter to Timothy talks about the qualifications of a leader in Chapter 3. In verses 4 & 5, he says, "He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect. (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?)" And in verse 12, he adds, "A deacon must be the husband of but one wife and must manage his children and his household well."

It is interesting that Paul connects the management of family to leadership in ministry. The basic premise is that if one cannot manage one's own family (including relationships within the family), then one will not be able to manage the larger family of God with all its varied relationships. There are at least two ways to view the connection that Paul makes between management of family and leadership in church. The first is that relationships in ministry are very much like relationships at home. If we cannot handle the few relationships at home, how can we handle the numerous relationships in ministry?

People in church resemble children at home in many ways. Adults can be demanding, just like children. Children throw tantrums to get what they want and so do a number of adults in ministry. Children want fast food. So do adults, who don't want to chew on the Word of God for themselves but expect the pastor or Bible Study leader to pre-digest the spiritual food and feed it to them. Adults may keep asking "why" because they don't want to follow instructions - just like children nowadays. Children want to play more than anything else and do whatever serves their interest. They want to be pampered and choose the easy way out in difficult situations. And the way they relate to others is determined by these interests and choices. We may see this type of people in ministry. To handle conflicts in relationships in ministry, we need to learn how to handle conflicts at home.

The second way to look at the connection between family and ministry is to recognize that ministry mirrors what goes on in the family in terms of relationships and conflicts. Inevitably and unconsciously, we carry our struggles and conflicts from our homes to our ministries. By looking at the conflicts certain churches are experiencing, you can basically tell the health of the families in those churches. Unresolved conflicts with our spouse and children at home get carried over to and affect our relationships in our ministry. Therefore if we want to see health in the relationships in a ministry, we need to build health in the relationships in the families of those in that ministry. This also means that if we want to know if a person is qualified and able to lead or pastor a ministry and manage the relationships in a ministry, we need to examine the home situation of the person and see how well they manage their home relationships.

In order to develop leadership in the area of resolving conflict, we need to start from the home. Here are some suggestions:

1. Desire to resolve conflict at home (Ps133:1; Rom 12:18).
2. Learn skills on resolving conflict either by attending a seminar like the FamilyLife Marriage Conference or by getting together as a couple or with other couples to do the HomeBuilders study guide on Resolving Conflict in Your Marriage.
3. Decide to restore relationships and learn to say, "I am sorry," and respond to your spouse's apologies by saying, "I forgive you" (Matt 5:23-24).
4. Teach and train the next generation to resolve conflicts in relationships. Do not dismiss conflict experienced by children as a small thing that they will get over quickly. They may get over it quickly but fail to learn how to resolve it. We need to persevere in training kids to make it a habit to say "please", "sorry", "I forgive you" and "I love you".