Fatherhood

by Michael Ng

Fatherhood is a God-given assignment. This is a very important or significant ministry for a man and it begins at home. You don't have to look very far to have a ministry. You don't have to go to China, Vietnam, Burma, or Laos. It is right at your doorstep. Our children are our ministry.

Here we have two important concerns as fathers,

1) Rising to the challenge of changing times - the need to get involved.

2) How to be an effective father?

What does it mean to rise up to the challenge of changing times? Well, rising up to the challenge simply means that we must get involved with the lives of our children. Spending time with them is not enough, we need to engage them. We need to step into their world and connect with them otherwise we will be so out off touch that the gap that divide us gets wider and wider until physical and emotional connection becomes impossible. We need to be proactive and not passive. We must be present and not absent from our duties and responsibilities. We are all familiar with the term -"the absentee father" - It is said that some families can trace their ancestors or roots way back to a hundred years, but they don't know where their children were last night.

We live in a world today that is moving at light speed. So many things are happening and changing and evolving including the family unit. Many of our family values we held to are now considered too traditional or conventional. What is fashionable today may be obsolete tomorrow. Today's culture and the modernization in media have totally revolutionized our values and lifestyles as well as how we relate to each other, and how we communicate. The most obvious is the telecommunication and Internet. I have been reading of many cases of how man and women were cheated off their money, blackmailed and worst of all getting raped. The internet is a very dangerous place even for adults who are not careful who they linked up with, what more our children. During our childhood days we use to play around the neighborhood or playground, and our parents' concern then was that we fall and hurt ourselves. Today we seldom or don't see our children playing in the playground. The internet is their playground, and it is a far more dangerous playground, because we don't know who they are playing with, we don't see them. All we do know is that we hear so many reported cases of how man and women and children ended up cheated or sexually abused. What about those unreported cases? I am sure it is much more.

Fathers, do you know where your children are roaming on the internet? Who are they chatting with online? Do you know who are they interacting with in the virtual world? Don't be fooled by the thought that the virtual world is not real, therefore they are harmless. Mind you they are more menacing to our children than you think. Our children are at the mercy of the seduction of the virtual world. As a result there is a rise of all kinds of addiction amongst our present generation - notably, pornographic addiction, interactive computer games and on-line chat room. Often times our children are defenseless against the onslaught of the media. Constantly, worldly values and lifestyles which seem to be more alluring, attractive, sexy and appealing are promoted and advertised on the TV, movies and all kinds of magazines. Our children are exposed to them everyday right in our living room. Don't underestimate the power of influence of the media especially the internet over our children. Given a choice many of our children would rather go to the cyber cafe than to be in church. Many would rather choose to be online chatting, even to strangers than to listen to a sermon on Sunday. Have we asked ourselves WHY? Fathers, sometimes we have to ask some tough questions. We must closely monitor our children's activity and set perimeters for them. We cannot just allow them to do whatever they like without accountability. If we just allow our children total freedom on the internet, we are being irresponsible fathers.

Once I was visiting a friend in PJ. We were talking in the hall & his 3+ year old daughter was lying on the floor beside me. There were some pictures of models. I asked her, "Sexy or not?" she answered "sexy." I then asked, "Which one is more sexy? She pointed to the one with the least clothes on - so in the mind of this 3-year-old child, sexy means having very little clothes on. And I have seen little girls of 3 & 4 dressed just like that; perhaps parents think that it is so cute at their age. But they forget that their daughters will grow up, and when they dressed like that in their teens, their parents will react and get outraged. Who taught them to dress like that in the first place? Do you notice how little cloth brides have these days? I pity the pastor who has to marry those brides who dress so little. The pastor must have had a hard time where to look. This is only in the area of fashion; there are many other areas such as beauty, success, money, security, sex, marriage and so on.

Our children are constantly exposed and influenced by secular ideas and values. Once these secular values take root in our children's belief system, it will definitely affect or influence them in their adult life. There are many opposing forces or negative elements outside that are gaining a strong foothold in our homes. And if we are too busy to protect our children from these negatives influences, if we are not there for them, then it will make our fathering doubly difficult. Fathers we must be the guardian of our home, we are the protector and that means we must be careful what passes through the doors of our homes. Today, we face a bigger challenge because our "enemies" do not come through our doors. They come through the "Windows" through the internet. And like virus they latched themselves in the minds of our children. Then it begins to corrupt and whack havoc to their impressionable minds. Our children lacks wisdom to discern what is good and harmful. Over time we will begin to see rebellion, disrespect, indifference, and withdrawal manifesting itself in ugly ways. Often, our children end up victims of our own indifference. If we lose our influence over our children, it is almost certain we cannot train and instruct them. We cannot train and instruct those whom we have no influence over. How much influence do you have on your children? Why not ask your children today?

In the eyes of God your top priority as a father is found in Eph 6: 4. Fathers do not exasperate your children, instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

This should be our priority because our children need a father who understands and accept our given role in the home. We are to accept this God given assignment, to train and bring our children up in the instruction of the Lord. Where is our priority?

When we set our priorities right, we are actually modeling to our children what it means to obey God's word. How else can our children see our love, faith and commitment to the Lord as real, unless they see it in our daily lives? When our children observe that we take God's word seriously and obeys them to the letter, we model to them what integrity and authenticity. Our children need to see us as men of deep integrity and faith whom they can model after. Fathers, not only are you the guardian and protector, remember you are also the role model in the family, whether you like it or not. This is not something you can choose. Whether you like it or not, you are either a good role model to your children or a lousy one. Or would you like Leslie Chung, Jackie Chan or Andy Lau to be their role models? You choose. Who do you want to be their heroes?

Nothing ought to concern us more than how to be effective in training our children and in bringing them up in the instruction of the Lord. Fathers remember this; you better start training your children before they train you. It is either you are training your children or they are training you. Someone asked the Duke of Windsor, what impressed him most after his visit to America, he replied, the way American parents listen to their children.

Duet 6: 6-7 "These commandments I give to you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. "

These two verses give us a model of how to train and instruct our children effectively. It gives us a picture that fathering involves a continuous process of daily activities of daily life. It involves time and opportunities of teaching moments. It talks about engaging them on a regular basis. The more you engage them the more the father-child relationship or bond will grow and be strengthened. The more connected you are to them; the more they will open the widows of their hearts to you. Nothing means more to a child than to know that his father cares enough, listens to him and has a place in his heart for him.

Your involvement with your child's learning process is invaluable. The degree of your involvement will determine the degree of your effectiveness in fathering. The degree of our effectiveness depends on the degree of your love. How we teach and how our children learn is very important. Broadly speaking there are two models for learning, the Greek model and the Hebrew model. The Greek model is called the classroom model. This takes place when teachers assume their place up front and students passively listen to a lecture. It is academic in nature, it is passive and theoretical. While this is the fastest method to transfer information to another person or group, it is not the most effective method for the student to learn. Learning happens much more effectively through the Hebrew model, it is called the Coach model. The degree of personal involvement is much greater, the method of teaching is relational, it is experiential and on the job training. Remember this, our values are often caught rather than taught.

You will notice that the Lord Jesus uses the Hebrew model to teach and disciple his 12 disciples. He constantly uses daily life examples to teach spiritual truths using parables. Jesus did not gather them into a class room and gave an intensity leadership course. He did not lecture them until they fell off their chairs. But he engaged them with real life situations and their surroundings to impact their lives. He asked questions, he challenged into action. He makes them think and make decisions. He uses parables to teach profound spiritual truths. There are parables all around us as well. You too can use daily life examples that are common, to train and teach your children, lessons they will likely to remember for a long time. You don't need to be a theologian to teach spiritual truths. In fact if you look hard enough you will find some of your own parables to teach your children, in your home and even in the garden.

Let's say you see all the electrical appliances in the kitchen, it has to be plugged into the power socket before it can function. This reminds us of the power of the Holy Spirit, who is our power source. What about the garden, the weeds grow faster than the other plants, makes me think of how fast sin can spread into my inner life. When I clean my fish tank I use a rubber hose to siphon off the water, to do so I have to make sure that the rubber hose had to be filled completely with water, if there are pockets of air in between the hose, I cannot siphon off the water, the pockets of air in the hose is very much like sin in our lives, which prevents the Holy Spirit to work in and through our lives. Just as I have to get rid off the pockets of air trapped in the hose for the water to flow, I have to confess my sins for the Holy Spirit to fill my life. Walk around your house and see what parables you can discover, and share them with your children.

Fathering is not about transferring information to your children, fathering is about transformation of lives through your involvement and influence with the help of the Holy Spirit. This is one God given assignment which you cannot leave to "chance". You have only one chance to train and instruct your children, because they will not forever remain as children, one day they will become adults.

Using the Hebrew model, we need to seriously consider how we can improve our fathering in three critical areas of our children's life.

Building a deeper relationship with our children.

Professor Howard Hendricks said, "Rules without relationship leads to rebellion." To train our children effectively is not to enforce more rules - you must not do this, you must do that. A better way is to concentrate on building a deep and meaningful relationship first. Children today need less isolation and a deeper relationship with their father. How would you describe your relationship with your children?

Many children are saying, "my father don't understand me, my father don't care, my father is too busy for me, I cannot talk to my father and my father don't love me as much as he loves my brother." In a recent survey in Singapore, children aged between 5 to 14 were asked what they value most from their parents. It is not holidays, not money, not education but Time and Attention. More than 60% of the kids said they appreciate the time parents spent with them above all else.

I believe what is happening in Singapore is also happening here in Malaysia. It is also reported that boys take drugs, they hate their fathers, girls get pregnant to spite their parents. When these ugly things happen, then parents begin to ask WHY? Sociologist and family experts are also asking why this is happening to families. I believe a break down in relationship with parents is one of the main reasons.

Time and attention, is essential in building relationships. If we don't make time for our children, if we don't slow down and listen to them, we will not hear the message that our children are feeling isolated. Fathers need to constantly reach out to your sons and daughters, to get connected, otherwise you will loose touch with them. Then we complain, "my children won't listen to me, my children won't tell me anything." Parents spend the first part of a child's life urging him to walk and talk, and spend the rest of his childhood making him sit down and keep quiet.

A healthy relationship is the means through which you can lead your child through turbulent times especially when they are in their teenage years or when they are just leaving home to a new place for studies or work. When you have a healthy and an ongoing relationship with your children, they will have the assurance and security to come to you, a place they can find safety and rest, a place where they can find comfort and acceptance and not condemnation. Make your home a safe place where they can run to and not run away from. We live in a hostile environment. If you were to observe carefully, often times, troubled kids come from troubled homes. Somewhere along the line the relationship between parents and child is missing or has turned bad. If your children cannot have that kind of relationship in the home, they will seek it elsewhere. The most convenient way of seeking relationship whether healthy ones or otherwise is through the internet. Either way you stand to lose your children once you have been replaced.

Building a good healthy relationship is equipping him to build healthy relationships with others throughout his life. What they learn from you at home will become a part of them when they relate with the outside world. This will impact his relationships when he becomes an adult, his marriage and later his relationship with his own children - it will impact his entire future. If you have neglected this area in your fathering, I suggest you begin connecting with your children TODAY.

Greater degree of involvement with our children.

What is the meaning of 'involved'? To be involved is to get connected. Here are some practical ways we can be involved or get connected with our children. However let me give you a word of caution, getting involved does not mean crowding into your children's life. Give them space. Respect their privacy. But you need also to take into consideration their age as well as their level of maturity and how responsible they are as well. Respecting of privacy does not mean non-interference.

a. Become a student of your children.

How well do we know and understand our children? The first thing we need to recognize is that all our children are different. They are all so different in their physical and emotional aspect. They have different gifts and abilities. They have different aptitude. They have different ambitions and motivations. What I am saying is that God made them different, so don't try to make them the same, they are never meant to be the same. They are all unique and special in their own way. That is why the way we train, teach and discipline should be different. One child can be so strong willed that no matter how hard you caned him, he won't move, with another child you need only to raise your eyebrow, & tears starts to roll.

So what do you do? I highly recommend you to get a copy of the book, "Different Children Different Needs" by Dr Charles Boyd. This book is a very good resource for you to identify the basic temperament of your children. This will help you have a better understanding of your children's behavior. You will also discover their strengths and weaknesses. This will help you help them to develop their areas of weaknesses. There is a lot of helpful information. Another helpful book is "the 5 love languages of children/teenagers" by Gary Chapman. Reading these books will help you understand why your children are so different. Fathers, remember this, understand, accept and love your children for who they are and not what they can do. Praise them for their effort regardless of the result. Focus on the positive and not the negative. Acceptance of your child should not be based on performance but LOVE. And don't compare your children. Never be partial, that is the biggest crime you can ever make as a Father.

b. Make home the center of the child's life.

Make your home the center of your child's life, not the tuition center. We are living in a "kiasu" society. We want our children to excel in everything they do. We send them to all kinds of tuition. We want them to have a good head-start in life. It is good to be concerned about our children's education, but let us be careful not to go overboard; otherwise we rob our children of their childhood which many parents are doing. As I see it, many children nowadays don't have time to enjoy their childhood. No wonder children are committing suicide as well. The pressure to perform is too great. We need to teach and tell our children, it is okay to fail, to fail is not failure. Failure is when you stop trying. Thomas Edison failed more than a thousand times before he perfected inventing the incandescent bulb. Had he stop trying, we may still be living in the dark. Be real; tell your children that you too have experienced failure in life, that will give them a sense of hope. Failing is part and puzzle of life. The important lesson is to rise up and try again. This we must teach our children. We must teach what the school and tuition centers don't teach, that is how to live a wholesome life, how to live a Godly life, how to be a husband and a father, how to be a wife and a mother.

Make your home a haven for your children; make it a safe place, a fun place. Let it be a place for them to cherish good memories with the family. At the end of the day, what your children will remember most is not about the toys you give them, what they will remember most will be the time you stayed home with them. I come from a poor family, and my late father cannot afford the many toys our children have today. But what I can remember most were the times when my father bathed me in the rubber estate. The water from the well was so cold. Those were fond memories to me. Make sure that your home is not just an address for your children, but a home where they want to go back to. That is where they belong.

c. Plan periodic family projects

Family projects involve doing things together. The objective is to create unity and a sense of belonging. It helps children to learn how to support each other and create better bonding with other members of the family. A lot of values can be taught through doing projects, like spring cleaning, painting the house, anything you can do together. Be creative.

d. Develop family rituals.

Have your own family tradition, which only your family can appreciate. Celebrate Christmas, Good Friday, Easter, birthdays, anniversaries, holidays or just a simple picnic.

Again the idea is to bring the family together for celebration and to give thanks to God. Always take every opportunity to give thanks to God, and invite Him into your family, don't leave Him outside your doorstep. By the way your celebrations need not be elaborate and expensive; the objective is family bonding and togetherness. Today many of our families are so fragmented and disconnected; as a result I have seen families reuniting for Chinese New Year dinner having nothing in common to talk about. Each one is more engrossed with his hand phone. Either they are playing games or sending SMSes.

Building our children's character.

When do we start building our child's character? From infancy! What is character? D.L. Moody said, "Character is what you are in the dark."

Why is character important? It is important because it determines one's choices and responses to life challenges. Our children's character is revealed by their choices and their responses to life's challenges and circumstances. Our role as fathers is to give guidance and correction of any wrong choices and decisions they make. The choices they make whether good or bad is a reflection of their moral conviction. Good moral choices and values does not come automatically, it is to be developed. It has to be taught.

Godly character does not come naturally; if it does then fathering would be a piece of cake. We won't think of resigning, we won't be pulling our hair in exasperation. We need a lot of patience and discipline on our part to be consistent in our training to reinforce the right spiritual and moral values, until it becomes their own conviction. This will help them mould their belief system, which will become the core of their being. Once this is deeply rooted into them, then we can release them and trust their own judgment and choices they make. Remember we cannot be watching over their back like a policemen forever. One day they will leave our nest. Your little boy will one day be a man, he will become a husband and a father to his children, your little girl will be a woman someday, she will be someone's wife and mother.

Therefore godly character building begins at home, when? As soon as possible. The character of your children depends on what you put into their heart today. If we don't teach and build our child's character, don't expect someone else to do it. Don't lose this opportunity of character building while we can, if we miss this opportunity we probably may not have another chance.

Fathers have a great responsibility and it is not easy to fulfill this God given assignment. To become a father is not difficult, to be a father is another matter.

Fatherhood Is a God given assignment, let us do it well with God's help.

Michael is the National Director for FamilyLife Malaysia, a ministry of Malaysia Campus Crusade for Christ. In the insurance industry since 1987, he and his wife Judy have spoken at many FamilyLife conferences. They have been happily married since 1984 and have two daughters.