The Role of the Husband

by Michael Ng

"Marriage is the most challenging, the most complex, the most demanding and the most difficult relationship known to man."

What has the Bible to say? Does the Bible give us any insight on how to address the many issues involved in marriage that couples are struggling with today? How was the family life in Bible times different from ours today? Are they any different from ours?

Let me give you a brief historical perspective of the family life during the apostles' time, taken from the book Rocking the Roles. "Family life in the Roman Empire was in shambles when Paul wrote to the church in Ephesus. Divorce and adultery were commonplace. Even though the Empire was awash in wealth, the home life of its citizens was in incredible collapse. Commitment to one's partner was fast being replaced by independence. Women were spurning the home life for careers in public life, ready to run from the authoritarian kind of leadership most husbands forced on women. Linking male headship with God's will was ludicrous to most Ephesians, as the chief deity was a woman - Diana, the goddess of love."

In summary we see that the family life of Paul's time is no different from ours today. Divorce and adultery is commonplace. Sex is not just for procreation but a recreation. Commitment to one another is replaced by independence. Instead of oneness there is isolation. Instead of completion there is competition. Instead of submission to the husband's leadership, there is contention. Instead of love from the husband, there is abuse. In such a situation as this, does it surprise us then to see the family unit in the state of collapse? The family life was disintegrating. What we are experiencing in our society and culture today is what happened during Paul's time. What is the biblical role of the husband? The bible is the point of reference and the source of our authority in all matters, in this case, our marriage. Why? Because marriage is God's idea, and it is only logical to go to the originator for answers.

God is the originator of marriage; He knows how to fix our marriage problems. The question is, "are we willing to put into practice the principles laid out for us in the bible?" Knowledge and information alone will not change our marriages. People who make decisions do. So if you want God to transform and strengthen your marriage, you need to make a decision. You need to make a decision to change.

Socrates the philosopher said, "By all means marry, if you get a good wife you will become very happy. If you get a bad one, you will become a philosopher and that is also good." So guys get married, you can't lose!

Ephesians 5:23, "For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body."

God has designed a divine order of responsibilities in marriage. As we see in this verse, we note that God has designated the husband to be the head of the relationship. The key word here is "head" which means leadership. In the analogy of headship, the head is directly connected to the lower body, which it presides. For the head to function, it must remain closely connected to the body. The head must never be detached from the rest of the body. If such a separation happens, there will be immediate death and both the head and body will cease to live. Likewise in marriage, if the husband who is the head ever grows distant from his wife, whether emotionally, spiritually or physically then death will occur. Their marriage will surely die, either in divorce or isolation.

The first and foremost important role of the husband is to be the head of the home. Man must recognize that this is God's design and it is also God's given assignment. It is not a suggestion, God did not just suggest that you be the head of the relationship, rather it is a command, it is not optional. We men must therefore take this responsibility very seriously because we are accountable to God, no matter what happens in our home, we must take the responsibility because we are the head.

Many wives are feeling very frustrated and disappointed because their husbands are not leading, not because they are incapable or hopeless, or lazy. But many husbands are not getting their priorities right. Many Christian men are good businessmen, good managers with good management skills, but sadly they fail in managing their relationships with their spouse and children at home. If they managed and run their business the way they manage their home, it will go bankrupt in no time. The first duty of the husband is to lead, we must not neglect this duty, otherwise, we have violated our marriage vow and also violated God's command.

Man, as the head of the house you must lead, and you must lead like a Servant. Leadership in marriage is based on divine placement, and not superior abilities. It is God's design.

While the man is place as the head, it does not mean that he is more superior or of more important than the woman. Neither does it mean that the woman is inferior to man. Instead God has designed the husband and wife with equal value. In the eyes of God both male and female are of the same value, with different abilities playing different roles in the marriage relationship. Once we understand our different roles and functions in our marriage, we move on towards completing each other rather than competing with each other, I am sure we will experience a more meaningful relationship as God intended.

What does it mean to lead like a Servant? The best example is the Lord Jesus Himself. Leadership in marriage is based on Christ's example, not societies'. Christian leadership is totally opposite of the world's view or idea of what leadership is like. World's view of leadership is that the leader is to be served. "I am the leader, do as I say." Whereas Christ's way is "serve to lead." The Lord demonstrated the servant leader model so clearly when He washed the feet of His disciples. Can you imagine the Creator God limiting Himself as a mortal man washing the feet of His created beings? This is the kind of servant leadership that husbands ought to follow. It is about humility and grace.

I am very confident that if husbands demonstrated this kind of servant leadership in his home, he will be an effective leader, and I am sure his wife will be willing to follow his leadership. I like what Howard Hendricks said about leadership, "If you are a leader and when you look back and no one is following you, then you are not leading, you are just taking a WALK." So husbands, make sure that you are leading your family and not just taking a walk. Today is the day we stop taking a walk and start leading.

Leadership includes providing for the material needs of the family.

1 Tim 5:8, "But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."

A husband is to care for the needs of his family, especially those of his own household. The bible states very clearly that if a husband does not provide for the needs of his family he has denied the faith and he is worst than an unbeliever, this is a very strong statement. However note that it also says "needs" of the family and not "wants." In economic terms, "needs" means the basic things in life, food, clothing and shelter. Whereas "wants" are the desires of life, "wants" are things that we can do without, things that are not essential. So the husband's obligation is to provide for the needs, food, clothing and shelter - these are the essentials of life. I am sure most husbands today are good providers, providing more than just the basic needs. What I am concern is that many of us are so caught up with the materialism of this world that we have an abundance of material things in our home - things we do not need. We have so much that we fail to appreciate what we have. If we are not careful abundance can be a curse rather than a blessing.

Many marriages break up because of deep financial conflicts or financial debts. We must not spend more than what we earn. Proverbs 17:1 says, "Better is a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting with strife." It is better to have little and be free from debt and sleep well, than laying down wondering which bank will call you tomorrow or which loan shark will be waiting to swallow you.

The next responsibility of the husband is "loving your wife." Eph 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.

We are told to love our wives the way Christ loved the church. How did Christ love the church? He gave Himself up for her. Our salvation came at an enormous price. It cost Jesus everything. Men, this is how we are to love our wives. What it does mean is that we must love them with a sacrificial love. We must be willing to forgo our own pleasures and preferences, choosing to give up our comforts and conveniences. Rather than waiting to be served, we are called to serve and sacrifice for our wives at all cost. True love is all about giving not getting. Everyman as the leader needs to love his wife in a special way. Did you hear the one about the wedding ceremony where the pastor said,"Do you take this woman for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health?"And the groom said, "Yes, no, yes, no, no and yes."

Love is seeking God's best for your wife. Colossian 3:19, "Husbands, love your wives, and do not embitter against them."

Love is based on an act of the will, not passing feelings. Love in not just a good feeling, it is not an emotional high. Real love is tough. It is a commitment to someone for life. It is an act of the will regardless of the circumstances.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8, "Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, 5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails."

This is what biblical love is. Love is given in obedience to Christ, not in response to your wife's performance. Love your wife for who she is and not what she can or cannot do. Our love should be unconditional. If we love our wife conditionally, then she is put under pressure to perform and that is unhealthy in a marriage relationship, because she has to constantly seek your approval and expectations. It is impossible for her to know all the time whether she has met your expectations.

Love is expressed verbally and in actions. Actions speak louder than words, so you need to show or express your love not just with words but in actions. Husbands who do loving things will feel loving. Write down 3 things you would do to show your love to your wife during the course of this week. Speaking of love, I'd like to recommend that you read the book by Gary Chapman, The 5 love languages. He says broadly there are 5 ways we feel loved and express love -1) Physical touch 2) Quality time 3) Acts of service 4) Words of encouragement 5) Receiving Gifts.

Do you know your wife's love language? Let me give you an example. Let's say her love language is 'quality time.' But you keep giving her gifts. Each time you go overseas or somewhere you come home with a gift, and sometimes, very expensive ones. When you give it to her, instead of saying thank you and telling you how sweet and thoughtful you are, she ask, "how much does it cost?" Worst still, she would say, "don't waste your money." So it does not matter how expensive a gift, she does not feel love. What she wants is that you just spend more time with her. Maybe taking her for a walk (which is so much cheaper), conveys she is loved. What you can do is to ask your wife in what way or what can you do to make her feel most loved. So pick up this book, and have fun with your discovery.

Love is cherishing your wife by responding to her as a valued gift from God, and honoring her. What is the meaning of cherish? It means cared for tenderly.

A wife feels cherished or cared for tenderly when her husband communicates with her. One of the most common problems in marriage is a break down in communication. It is the first symptom or sign of a marriage in trouble. When a couple stops communicating, disaster is just ahead. Many conflicts arise because of misunderstandings. And many times couples fight over little issues. I always like to say, we stumble over pebbles.

Maintaining a healthy communication is very important in understanding and being in touch with each other, the goal of communication is to have better understanding with each other.

We also need to learn to communicate on a deeper level and not just being contented with superficial talk. When your wife ask you how your day went, or how you are feeling, and you just say, "Okay lah," that is not communication, that is just meaningless sound. You have communicated nothing to your wife. You need to be more open and transparent with your feelings when you share deeply and openly how your feel, whether good or bad, then you are connected with your wife. When you are emotionally bonded in your communication then your wife will feel cherished, because you are willing to bare your soul to her, and that makes her special. It is okay, if she can't give you any solution, it is the intimate sharing that is meaningful, she wants to come into your world, so open the window of your heart and communicate with her.

A wife feels cherished when there is romance in the relationship. Firstly, let me say that all women suffer from this disease call romanticism, and some of them are very acute or serious. And most of all they do not want to be cured from this disease. Actually males also suffer from romanticism, but they recover almost immediately after marriage. That is why; most women complain that their husbands are not romantic any more. I think most husbands don't even know what it means to be romantic; all they know after many years or marriage is rheumatism instead of romanticism.

Start getting romantic; because romance is also very important in the marriage, it is like icing on the cake, it is the spark of life.

A husband is never called to force his wife to follow his leadership; rather he is challenged to earn this response by being a man of integrity, compassion and competence. Remember, a leader will love his wife in such a way that she will want to follow him and the man who truly loves his wife will initiate loving and leading in the relationship. Love your wife into submission, you will never fail. It works all the time.

Michael is the National Director for FamilyLife Malaysia, a ministry of Malaysia Campus Crusade for Christ. In the insurance industry since 1987, he and his wife Judy have spoken at many FamilyLife conferences. They have been happily married since 1984 and have two daughters.