Engaging our Youth: Pathway to Mature Adulthood

by Judy Ng

As parents it's only natural that today's youth concern us. Today's youth will be tomorrow's leaders and if they are not grounded in the word of God, what kind of leaders will we have?

When the late Dr Bright started the ministry of Campus Crusade years ago, his philosophy was to minister to the campus students because they will be tomorrow's leaders-they will be tomorrow's husbands, tomorrow's wives!

In today's parenting, we give willingly and excessively to our youths because we did not have while we were their age; we work hard and use up so much of our time at work that we feel guilty we've not given our time and so we give some more in material terms-as a result, our children are the "gimme" (this word was coined by my 19-year-old daughter) generation. And then we complain about their being rude and ungrateful!

In his book Have a New Kid by Friday, Dr. Kevin Leman asks, "Why is it these days that so many children tend to act disrespectfully? Why are so many parents caught in the roles of threatening and cajoling and never getting anywhere? What's going on here?" The real answer to Leman's question is that kids misbehave because they can and because adults let them.

Another reason why our youth misbehave is because parents are not united! Through my 30 over years of being a Sunday School teacher and youth worker, I've heard lots of family secrets and it is very sad that in many homes, the authority of the father is being undermined. Children have often told me how they manipulate their parents, playing one against the other. And Mommy dear, wanting to endear her children to herself often undermines her husband's authority and tell the children, "Don't let daddy know." When you do that, you not only undermine their father, your children lose their respect for you.

Samuel Leibowitz, who was New York famous criminal lawyer before he became a judge says that every time the mother overrules the father and thus undermines his authority and his standing in the eyes of the children, she undermines the child's own foundation. He says, "If mothers would understand that much of their importance lies in building up the father image for the child, they would achieve the deep satisfaction of children who turn out well." Perhaps then, he suggests, she would not have to stand before him in juvenile court with tears in her eyes to say those words he hears so often, "What did I do that was wrong, Judge-what did I do that was wrong?" On the basis of his long experience the judge offers a nine-word principle for juvenile delinquency- "Put father back at the head of the family."

Parents, are you united? Parents who love their children, parents who love their youth, please make your husband-wife relationship the primary relationship! A strong husband-wife love relationship gives the security our youth need especially when they see family after family crumbling around them. As husband-wife remain devoted to each other, the atmosphere lends the needed time and space to free the youth to become the person God intends; not what you and I intend. Our role is that of stewards or managers-we are there for them but we do not do everything for them nor do we give them everything. We take their hands and place those precious hands into the hands of God. We teach them independence from us and dependency on God.

What kind of adults do you want your youth to turn out to be? According to John W.Santrock, emerging adulthood is a time for young people to sort out emotionally what they will take along from the family of origin, what they will leave behind, and what they will create. When young adults leave the home, they have to sort out the values/beliefs, etc., they learned from their parents. Hopefully, they will take along with them all the good they have learned and leave the bad behind, for example: if my parents believe in the Lord Jesus Christ, do I have the same faith and believe as they do? In other words, is my Christianity the same as my parents' Christianity? Am I a Christian because I know the Lord Jesus personally or am I a Christian because my parents say so?

My parents may be divorced and so, what kind of beliefs do they have that they end up in divorce? Do I believe in divorce as well? Or will I do the opposite of what my parents did? My mum worked outside the home and considered the money she earned as her own; as a Christian wife, do I follow what my mum did? Should I work or should I be a homemaker? Is my money my own or do I share it with my husband? These are all examples of what the young adults takes with them or leave behind. Because of the values they take along or leave behind, they will create their own values/ beliefs/principles in their future family.

Adult children are to shift to learning to deal with their parents on an adult-to-adult basis which requires a mutually respectful form of relating. When still under my parents' roof, I listen to them; when I get married, my loyalties are to my spouse, no more my parents. If I am the man, I protect my wife especially if my parents are unreasonable. The Chinese are taught filial piety-parents must come first; the Bible teaches "leave and cleave, one flesh with wife." Some racial cultures are good but with the Chinese culture, even Christian parents allow the culture to take precedence over the word of God. For those of us who are "in-laws," we had better learn that God is unhappy with parents who want to be in control of their children! Many of our Asian parents engage in "permaparenting," which can impede the emerging adult's movement towards independence and responsibility, and also the parents' own postparenting lives. Parenting of our children lasts somewhere between 18-21 years. Parenting, if I can illustrate with a diagram, is a vertical relationship. However as the child grows older, the vertical relationship changes to a horizontal/peer-to-peer relationship.

However, many parents become "helicopter parents" hovering too closely in their effort to ensure their children succeed in college and adult life [P.Paul, (2003, Sept/Oct), The PermaParent Trap. Psychology Today, 36 (5), 40-53]. "Helicopter parents" are parents who are always hovering over their children anticipating their child's every need instead of allowing their adult children to grow up, take responsibility and fly away. . Although well intentioned, this intrusiveness by parents can slow the process by which their children become responsible adults (Santrock, 288-289). So, after our youngest child reaches the age of 18-21 (whichever age we let go), we are supposed to be able to enjoy our "postparenting" time as a couple and hopefully go on to grandparenting which is again very different from parenting

What kind of a woman do you intend your daughter to turn out to be? What kind of a man do you intend your son to turn out to be? Prepare your youth to leave, not to stay. Your life must not be wrapped around them or you may make them emotional cripples. They are to learn to depend on God, not you! They are to learn to depend on their spouse, not you!

I urge the believers amongst us-men and women, rise up for the sake of our youth. Be the man/woman God intends you to be; our youth need godly models. The media bombards our youth with the likes of David Beckham, Tiger Woods, Madonna, Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears. Don't YOU want to be a good role model for today's youth? Every Christian is a model-good or bad-the choice is ours to make. So, choose to be the man/woman that God intends you to be; walk with Him moment by moment. Eyes are watching; ears are listening-what a joy it is to have a youth come up to you to ask you to mentor him/her!

Judy has spoken at many FamilyLife conferences. She and her husband, Michael have been happily married since 1984 and have two daughters.