The Five Pillars of a Marriage

by Michael Ng

Many couples are deceived into believing that their marriage will work out automatically without hard work. Many live under the illusion that their intense feeling of love, romance and sexual attraction will sustain their marriage and they will experience happiness ever after. They are deluded to believe that their spouse will make them happy. Their overwhelming feelings for each other have blinded them of the reality of what marriage is. That is why we often hear, "love is blind; marriage is the eye opener." In many sense this is true because many "in love" couples are so "in love" that they cannot see the demands and commitments needed to make a marriage work. Many love struck couples are also deluded into believing their love can survive on air and sunshine, and they will live happily ever after. That is true only in fairy tales and in Hollywood and Bollywood movies. Did you notice that in almost all love stories they end their love story in marriage, and everyone is happy? This is one of the greatest illusions of what love and marriage is. You know why? It is because after marriage is where reality sets in, and that is when the couple wakes up from their dream. Love is a long sweet dream; marriage is the alarm clock. Wake up guys and gals. Time to face reality.

Facing life's reality is where TRUE LOVE begins. And sad to say many couples are not able to withstand the test of true love, and what it takes for a marriage to work. Marriage my friends is hard work. After the honeymoon many couples discovers that it takes more than romantic love or feelings to sustain a marriage. Their disappointment with each other and their unfulfilled expectation in marriage at this point cause many to give up easily and decide to get a divorce. Instead of working out the marriage, they walk out of the marriage. "Marriage is like flies on a window panel, those from the outside wants to get in, and those from the inside wants to get out". But those who are committed to their marriage and experience true love would happily stay in and not get out, even under difficult circumstances.

Let me suggest the 5 pillars of a marriage which are essential towards building a strong family. There is no building up of the family without the building up of the marriage. The husband and wife relationship is the primary relationship in the family.

1. Pillar of LOVE

Eph 5:28-30. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself, for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of his body.

So, how do we love one another? Since we're looking at love, let's use the acrostic LOVE to help us understand how to communicate love. I adapted this from Edward Worthington's book, Hope Focused Marriage Counseling.

L - Listen. How often do we listen? Have you ever spoken to your spouse and before you can say much, he/she interrupts and you never get a chance to talk?

Son: What is a monologue, Dad?

Dad: That is a conversation between a man and his wife.

Son: But our teacher said, that is a dialogue.

Dad: Your teacher isn't married, son.

Communication is a two-way process, a dialogue; not a monologue. Listen, listen, then repeat what you heard - summarize your partner's thoughts.

A man went to see the family physician and told him he was worried about his wife's hearing. The doctor told him to try an experiment with his wife. When he went home, at the first opportunity he noticed that he was about 40 feet from his wife, so he asked her, "Dear, what's for dinner?" He didn't get a reply and he moved closer - 30 ft, 20 ft and then 10 ft. Still no reply. Anxious, he went to stand beside her and asked her again, "Dear, what's for dinner?" His wife looked at him and replied, "For the fifth time, we're having chicken for dinner."

When you summarize, you show you heard, you show you care, you avoid misunderstandings, you slow down any self-centred disagreements that can turn to fights. When your partner feels understood, he/she will usually not feel the pressure to keep talking. Then you can have your say.

O - Observe Your Effects: Look at the person you are talking to - the body language will speak volumes (55% body language; 38% tone and 7% words). When you observe a reaction to what you are saying, clarify. By seeking understanding, you can short-circuit a lot of misunderstandings. Somebody once said, "90% of the friction of daily life is caused by a wrong tone of voice."

V - Value Each Other: Always value one another - this is the number one key to keeping communication flowing and resolving differences. Always value and never devalue another - that will surely help you avoid misunderstandings and help build your relationship. "We too often love things and use people, when we should be using things and loving people." - Malcolm Bingway.

E - embrace each other. You may find it strange that I am encouraging you to embrace each other. Let me say, I am not just thinking about embracing each other in the physical sense but in terms of embracing each other in mutual love in seeking the best for each other. One of love's goals is the building up and enrichment of each other. Eph 5:28-30 exalts us to nourish and cherish our spouse, just as Christ does to the church.

We can cherish and nourish our spouses by encouragement and empowerment. When we encourage and give support to our loved one, we are empowering them. So begin to look for ways and means of encouraging and enabling your husband or wife to grow and develop their abilities and gifts. One of the greatest encouragements you can give is to tell your spouse that you BELIEVE in them, give your support. Through your love, commitment and support, you are empowering your spouse in a very powerful way. Identify which areas you can help build your mate, and seek the best for him/her. Ladies, you can make or break your man. Concentrate on building up your man. Behind every successful man stands a woman. Ladies, make every effort to stand behind your man, supporting and cheering him all the way. I am confident that if you continue to embrace each other daily, seeking the best for each other, you will truly experience the kind of love life and marriage that God intends for both of you to have and enjoy. As you continue in your life's journey you will be richly blessed and have a fulfilling marriage as your keep your love covenant as well as God's covenant. I also need to mention here that physically embracing your spouse is also important. In this violent world of ours, our children are exposed to physical abuse more than physical embrace. If as husbands and wives we could physically embrace each other in the proper context of marriage, we are modeling to the younger generation that this is where it rightfully belongs instead of boys and girls groping each other outside the context of marriage. Why should we be ashamed to embrace our spouse?

Husbands, ask your wife, what makes her feel loved? Wives, ask your husband, what makes him feel loved? Romans 13:8 tell us to "Owe nothing to anyone except to love one another; for he who loves his neighbor has fulfilled the law."

2. Pillar of TRUST

Trust is very important in building intimate relationships. The more we trust each other, the deeper will be our relationship. When there is no trust, the relationship will be shallow or superficial. Trust is the most important ingredient in a marriage relationship. Trust is warranted by consistent honor and care toward another. Trust can be betrayed in an instant. Betray trust and the relationship dies. It is very difficult to rebuild trust when trust is broken. A lot of relationships are broken because TRUST has been broken. Therefore it is very important that we do not betray trust.

In a healthy marriage relationship, when there is mutual trust, there is also a greater level of transparency and accountability. When the trust level is high, we will also communicate at a deeper level, where we are more transparent with each other because we feel safe in the relationship. We dare to bare our heart and soul to each other. We know we are accepted and we are not afraid of being judged or criticize.

On the other hand if the trust level is low, we will only communicate at a very superficial level, our conversation goes no deeper than asking, how are you? Hi... the food not bad eh... or the weather is very hot. We are not actually communicating, we are just sharing information. There is no "heart to heart" talk. This kind of superficial communication can happen within a marriage too.

In their book the DNA of Relationships for Couples, Greg Smalley and Robert S Paul said, (74) "In human relationships, trust is never earned once and for all. It must be continually established and maintained." They go on to say, "You are trustworthy when you fully grasp how valuable and vulnerable another person is and you treat that person accordingly. To the extent that you treat the person as precious and irreplaceable, you are trustworthy. And to the extent that you don't, you're not." Trust is about how trustworthy I am and allowing you the freedom to trust me.

When we have deep trust for one another, we feel safe. How much do we trust each other? This is sad but true, that husbands and wives do not even trust each other. I have clients who do not want to name their spouse as their beneficiary. One lady put it this way, "my husband may use the money to marry another woman." Recently, it has been reported in the Star Papers of how husbands and wives don't trust each other in Britain. Fact is, it is not only in Britain, it is everywhere around the world. When we truly trust our spouse, we don't need to be right all the time. We learn to let go of control. Trust is about letting go of control and learning to accept one another.

Do you feel completely "emotionally safe" in your marriage? Are the daily stresses creating emotional distance between you and your lover/spouse? Can you trust your spouse? Will your spouse humiliate you? Do you know your spouse's fear(s)? Can you tell your spouse anything and completely trust that the information will be handled sensitively and carefully and that you will never regret having told him? If you know who your spouse really is, will you still love, accept and value him/her? Make your marriage a sincerely safe place. Is your marriage a sanctuary, a safe harbor, a place you long to go home to? Can you say that being in the presence of your spouse feels like the safest place on earth?

3. Pillar of INTIMACY

In today's culture, there is an increasing fear of intimacy - we reject the caring that makes us vulnerable to rejection and disappointment and as a result we learn to detach ourselves as the best means of survival. God created us to relate to Him and to one another. There are some of us who have a bend towards being more tasks oriented than people oriented. I am personally more prone to being tasks oriented then to people oriented simply because when I work with machines and paper etc, I just work - I perform without the need to care. When I get mad at the computer, I can hit it, scold it, turn it off, walk away etc and nobody gets hurt. After scolding the computer or banging on it, I may even feel good and justified BUT I can't do that with people. People are emotional beings - they get hurt and I get hurt and it becomes so messy.

The Great Commandment is to love God and your neighbors. The new commandment (John 13:34-35) Christ gave us is to love one another that others may know that we are His disciples. God is interested in our relationships - with Him and with others. Working with machines, I don't grow; relating with people, I am forced to grow - yes it hurts but that's where you mature. I don't have to consider anybody when I work with machines - I can be fully self-centred. But when relating with another, be it God or man, I need to be other-centred. The fact that we are self-centred sinful beings, when we relate to others, they will rub on us - Proverbs 27:17 tell us, "Iron sharpens iron as one man sharpens another" and that is how God matures us. As we relate to one another, we sharpen each other, we mature each other - The more intimate we are, the more painful the sharpening. Intimacy is the central principle in the concept of people-building. Without intimacy, there is no real marriage relationship. Oneness requires a deep abiding intimacy. It is about being one with someone else and it requires us to be open, honest and unashamed in the presence of another. Not everyone has the same need for closeness. Some people have more need for intimate talks, affection etc but others need alone time. To meet intimacy needs, I am going to use another acrostic to help you remember the main points: VALUE. I also adapted this from Everett Worthington's book Hope-Focused Marriage Counseling.

V - Value each other: When you value someone (or uplift someone), the person feels appreciated. "Many have fallen by the edge of the sword but not so many as have fallen by the tongue." Do you value your mate? How do you value your mate?

A - Be affectionate, tender in words or action; especially so in a marriage relationship.

L - Learn to speak each other's love language so that we will not miscommunicate. Dr Judson J Swihart in his book How Do You Say, "I Love You"? taught about the 8 major different love languages - Meeting Material Needs, Helping Each Other, Spending Time Together, Meeting Emotional Needs, Saying It With Words, Saying It With Touch, Being On The Same Side and Bringing Out The Best. More recently, in the early 1990s, Dr Gary Chapman popularized this concept with his book The Five Love Languages. He condensed the love languages to 5 - Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch.

U - Use positives- In our Asian culture, our tendency is to be critical. We need to learn to be more positive in communicating with our spouse and children.

E - Employ a calendar - schedule in time dates with your spouse. Don't forget that the primary relationship in the marriage is the husband/wife relationship. When was the last time you dated your wife without the children tagging along? Isn't your spouse worth the time and effort? Remember your courtship? No matter how tired you are, you make time for each other. So, for those who are married, date each other - no children!

I would also like to touch on the aspect of physical intimacy. Pornography and sexual infidelity has affected a lot of marriages, yes, even Christian marriages. We are very familiar with 1 Cor 7:3-4, "Let the husband fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does, and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does." What does this verse mean? This is address to both men and women but I would like to especially address the men because you are the leader God has placed in your family and because pornography is one area where men are especially susceptible. I'd like to quote Bill Perkins (pg 166-176, When Good Men Are Tempted). He says,

• Your body belongs to your wife; you are not to regard her body as being there for you. - Our attitude should be: "You are there for the other." This implies that your sexual energies are not there for anyone else, they belong to your wife! Therefore they should be focused on your wife, not on another woman or on an image of another woman - "I belong to my wife." Prov 5:19 exhorts men that no matter how long they've been married, they are to be intoxicated by the love of their wives. He is to always find pleasure with her.
• You are to meet your wife's sexual needs. Most men forget that their wives are women. They tend to do for their wives what they want done for themselves. So, slow down and follow her instructions. (Be creative - crock-pot sex, gourmet sex and microwave sex.)
• You are not to deny your wife. Regardless of how we feel, we're not to sexually withdraw from our wives.
• Cultivate a spiritual connection. (1 Cor 7:5) "Your physical relationship is intended by God to be a picture of your spiritual union. Nothing brings a couple closer to each other than prayer.

4. Pillar of Commitment

What is commitment? Synonyms to the word commitment are words like promise, pledge, vow, obligation and covenant. Marriage is a lifetime commitment. It is a commitment of love, of trust, a commitment to be the best person you can be in your relationship with God and your spouse. It is following in His footsteps. Husbands are commanded to love their wives as Christ loved the church. How did Christ love the church? He loved the church which He calls His bride to the point of death. Jesus did not speak about love and teach about love just in a romantic way, but He demonstrated all that He taught about love on Calvary's cross. When it came to the time of showing the commitment of His love, He did not chicken out. Christ modeled total Commitment. He is so committed to us - to the point of death. John 3:16.

It is not about convenience. Do you think it was convenient for the Lord Jesus to die on the cross? Love is about commitment, not convenience. If love in a marriage is built on convenience, without total commitment I guarantee you that much trouble is ahead. The question we need to constantly ask ourselves is how committed are we to our spouse? Are we more committed to our spouse today compared to yesterday? How committed are we to our marriage?

Lifetime Commitment is a choice; it is a deliberate act of the will. Remember your marriage vow? "for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health till death do us apart." No one forced you to make that vow, both of you chose it on your own free will. You made a commitment to remain together through thick and thin. This is what Love is, and it is this kind of love that pleases God. The bible says clearly what God has joined together, let no man separate. The vow you took expresses that kind of lifetime commitment, love which our younger generation needs to see and model after. Unless we remain true to our vow and build our homes on Godly principles and live it out through our lives, the younger generation will have no Godly model to follow. It is sad that the world's view of love and marriage has greatly influenced our young people. That is why we find Christians give up their marriage so easily, divorce has become an escape clause or an option, in case when they fall out of love, they can end their relationship, and go on with the next one. The idea of a lifetime commitment is never a consideration, or worse it is considered old fashion. We need to challenge and encourage our young people to build their love relationship God's way, and not the world's idea of love and marriage, which is Illusive or deceptive, that gives empty promises and leads to disappointment in marriage.

When we are committed to our spouse, we are to love each other unconditionally. Our love for our spouse is given in obedience to Christ, not in response to our spouse's performances. If we love our spouse conditionally, we are in big trouble, because we never know when we are loved and when we are not. Do we love our husband or wife only when they please us or make us happy? Do we only love our husbands when they bring us shopping or buy us expensive gifts? Do we only love our wives when they cook us our favorite curry? What if they don't?

The wife of one of the generals of Cyrus, the ruler of Persia, was charged with treachery against the king and was condemned to die. When her husband realized what had taken place, he ran to the palace and threw himself on the floor b4 the king. "O king, take my life instead of hers. Let me die in her place," he pleaded. Cyrus, who by all historical accounts was a noble and extremely sensitive man, was touched by this offer. "Love like that must not be spoiled by death" he said, and gave the husband and wife back to each other.

As they walked away, the husband said," Did you notice how kindly the king looked upon us when he gave you the free pardon?" The wife replied, "I had no eyes for the king. I saw only the man who was willing to die in my place"

The story tells us of the General's commitment to his wife, that he was willing to exchange his life for hers. And his wife had no eyes for another man, not even the king. That is what total commitment is. The more committed we are to each other as husband and wife, the stronger will be our marriage and family.

5. Pillar of Oneness

1 Cor 11:11. However, in the Lord neither is woman independent of man, nor is man independent of woman.

Commitment builds oneness, and oneness cements or glues a marriage relationship. What is oneness? Oneness does not mean that you and your spouse are the same or identical. God created male and female, you are never meant to be the same. Since you are never meant to be the same, don't try to change your spouse to be like you. You are to be "one". Oneness in a love relationship is the coming together of a man and woman sharing their lives together in marriage, yet maintaining their personality and uniqueness and still be one. They need each other and mutually complete each other; they are interdependent of each other. They don't compete with each other, they complement each other. Are we complementing each other as husband and wife or are we competing with each other? Make sure that your marriage is like a duet and not a duel.

Oneness can be defined as "Being in agreement with God's will and purpose" Oneness can only be realized or achieve when both husband and wife work towards it together. If either party refuses to cooperate to maintain oneness, isolation will take place. Why is this so? Because marriage is a partnership, marriage is teamwork.

Oneness can be experienced on two levels.

1. Vertically with God
2. Horizontally with each other

Your personal relationship with God is very important, how you relate with God will affect how you relate with your spouse. From the diagram you will notice that when both of you are moving towards God in your personal walk, on the horizontal level both of you will also be drawn closer to each other. The closer the both of you are drawn closer to God, the greater the possibility for you both to experience oneness in love and marriage. However the opposite is also true, that is if you move away from God, the further you go, the further both of you will drift apart in your relationship, you will feel disconnected and isolation sets in.

What is isolation? The dictionary says it is "the condition of being alone, separated, going different direction". Isolation is when emotional and physical detachment takes place. When isolation dominates your relationship, it kills the intimacy you have for each other. So it is very important for both of you to maintain a close relationship with God, if you want a healthy love life. You will notice that I keep emphasizing "BOTH" because if only one of you is moving towards God and your spouse is not, oneness cannot be achieved. Therefore the secret to a healthy and stable love life is to maintain "ONENESS" through maintaining a growing spiritual relationship with God.

The marriage journey is about doing life together - growing, learning, living and loving together. It is experiencing the highs and lows of life together. Marriage is not about "me", it is about "us".

Michael is the National Director for FamilyLife Malaysia, a ministry of Malaysia Campus Crusade for Christ. In the insurance industry since 1987, he and his wife Judy have spoken at many FamilyLife conferences. They have been happily married since 1984 and have two daughters.