Somewhere Out There

by Rev Dr Herbert Tan

Growing up as a Christian, I was taught that there is one non-negotiable principle when it comes to choosing a life partner--"do not be mismatched with a non-believer". By the time I was in university, I had learnt a second principle--"do not walk with someone unless they have agreed to do so". Both principles meant that my life partner had to be someone who shared the same relationship I had with Jesus Christ as well as the same mission in life.

Among the many things on the list that I was praying through, I was trusting God for someone who had a fulltime calling to ministry, a burden for Malaysia, who loved music and fun and who could also cook. Later, I dropped the last item from my list as I figured that I was good at cooking and could always teach my wife some culinary skills.

While I was doing my Masters in Divinity in the US, the individualistic culture that I encountered only made my loneliness as a man more obvious. I went to see a counselor who asked the silly question of whether I had considered marriage. However, I left that appointment with a renewed determination to act, not that I hadn't tried before.

I considered someone in Singapore but found out that she had a different calling. Finally, I realized that given what I was praying for, it had to be someone whom I already knew back in Malaysia. So I made a list of names and compared it to the criteria list that I was praying through, and narrowed the candidates down to two. I wrote a casual letter to both of them; one replied and she is now my wife.

In January 1989, I started to correspond with Ling Ming. In each letter, I left a hint of my interest in her as a life partner. For six months, she did not seem to catch on even though I included poetic forms of expression. When July came, I decided to be more obvious and direct. So I wrote a letter explicitly proposing to a special relationship. Her letters stopped coming and I got worried. I called her from the US about a month later and she was too shocked but asked for more time to consider. We continued to correspond and when September came, I received a birthday card with a ring inside to say "yes" to a special relationship. No one could imagine my joy but many did not know of the struggles that were to come.

Her parents, especially her mother, did not agree to our relationship. She had wanted her to marry someone from her hometown (Sibu). Her father thought that there was no financial security being married to a missionary. But we trusted God and prayed and He gave us favour with her parents. I had asked Ling Ming's father for permission to marry her. In fact, since we were so far apart, I had sent her father my resume so that he would at least have some idea of who I was. Thank God that by the time we were planning to get married, they gave us their blessings.

After a short period of getting to know each other, we married on July 14, 1990. We never really dated before our wedding but our commitment to each other as we walked into married life was based on our relationship with God and the belief that He was leading us.

Our favorite song is Somewhere Out There (from the movie An American Tail) as it reflects what we felt for each other in the months that we journeyed in our relationship--me in the US and she in Sarawak.

Somewhere Out There

Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight

Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight

Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer

That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there

And even though I know how very far apart we are

It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby

It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through

Then we'll be together somewhere out there

Out where dreams come true

(Lyrics by James Horner, Barry Mann and Cynthia Weil)

Rev Dr Herbert Tan is a FamilyLife Consultant with MCCC. Married with 2 children, he conducts training for families and leaders who work with youths throughout Malaysia. He is also a Strategic Resource member of South-East Asia Campus Crusade for Christ.