Teaching a kid about death

by Rev Dr Herbert Tan

I can't remember when my daughter Ellie first came to understand about death. But when she was around three years old, she sensed "loss" when she heard the story of The Lion King. When she came to the part where Mufasa (Simba's dad) fell into a gorge and died in the ensuing stampede, she began to cry. It started with her crying because Simba's dad was dead. Then it took a strange twist and she thought her own daddy had died. My wife had to call me on the phone and let her talk to me to convince her I was still alive. All in all, Ellie cried for about an hour. This was her first experience with death. Ling Ming and I decided that we would not laugh or tell Ellie she was crazy. We took her emotions seriously, tried to comfort her and to explain death to her.

Ellie's second experience with death was when her great grandma (my maternal grandmother) passed away. This time she was about four years old and she came face to face with a dead body. This time I was crying because I had lost a dear grandma and probably the strongest prayer supporter in my life and ministry. But Ellie did not cry at all. The most she said was that she felt sad and then she went on to recount the testimonies of her great grandma. Her mother and I were determined to continue her educational journey through the valley of death, so we explained more about life after death and where great grandma had gone.

We did not spare our daughter from going near the coffin because we did not want her to be afraid of death… by then she had prayed to receive Christ into her heart. We carried her up so she could peek into the coffin and see the face of her great grandma. We talked about the peace that was on her face. The next day we were even more amazed: as we looked again and talked, we saw not just peace on the face but also a smile. I sensed that by the end of this episode, Ellie was not afraid of death and began to understand a little about death being a transition for a Christian into the presence of Jesus Christ.

Her subsequent two experiences with death were that of a mother of a family friend and that of a staff member. We shed our tears but Ellie kept calm. But each time that we walked with her to have a final look into the coffin in paying our last respects, we would talk about death.

The next experience was that of a dear mentee of mine - a fresh university graduate who died in a bus accident. I was in Kuantan and when I heard the news, I broke down and wept. My wife cried at home and this time Ellie sobbed too as she recalled her relationship with this friend. Ling Ming helped her to cut out a newspaper article on his death. Ellie used a highlighter to mark out what was significant to her in that article. We pasted the cutting on the wall near our dining table for a few months and talked about that death for some time. We discussed how we could not understand the timing of the young man's death, the loss of a young Christian leader and much more. Of course we talked about our own sense of loss and the concept of eternal destiny too. We acknowledged our emotions together with Ellie. This time around, although she was grieving, her feelings were under control as she talked and reasoned through the episode.

Throughout our journey with Ellie through the valley of death, we sought to keep in mind certain objectives:

1. When it is time to face a death experience, we will not shield our children from it. They need to learn that death is part of life.
2. When our children grieve over a death, we will acknowledge those emotions as important and minister comfort and emotional support to them.
3. We ourselves will not hide our emotions but go beyond them to talk about the death experience and what it means. We will teach them about God's presence and life after death, explaining that we grieve not as people without hope.

Rev Dr Herbert Tan is a FamilyLife Consultant with MCCC. Married with 2 children, he does extensive training for families and leaders who work with youth throughout Malaysia. He is also a Strategic Resource member of South-East Asia Campus Crusade for Christ.