Footloose and fancy-free

by Anonymous

 

Waking up late one Saturday morning, I searched the kitchen for something to eat. My eyes settled on a half-eaten loaf of bread only to discover it had gone bad, along with half a dozen other perishables in my fridge. I wish they would sell half a loaf of bread or half a bag of rice. As a single, I find it frustrating that I must fight fungi and weevils for that last bit of whatever food I buy. At times like these, I can't help but feel that the world is designed for married people, and singles are marginalized.

 

The other thing I can never figure out is why people always assume I have lots of money — just because I am single. I have only myself to spend on, they tell me. What they don't realize is that, like them, I too have a car loan to pay off, insurance payments to make, and a commitment to support and care for my ageing parents. Tired of such simplistic reasoning, a friend of mine made this comment to her colleagues tongue-in-cheek, "It's true, I have lots of money. My mattress is stashed full with hundred-dollar notes and they help me sleep at night!"

 

In many instances, singles share the same expenses as married couples. The only difference is that they bear the expenses by themselves. Consider this: the cost of a room is the same whether occupied by a single or a married couple. The same goes for household necessities. For every broom or mop that a married couple buys, the single has to buy one, too (unless of course, the single shares a house with other singles). Furthermore, it is cheaper to buy in bulk whether it's eggs, oil or whatever. It seems that joining the "married club" has its privileges.

 

There is also the discrimination at the workplace. I have lost count of the number of times I have been asked to contribute to a gift for a colleague's wedding or newborn. As a single, I am always on the giving end. One single friend cries foul because his married colleagues can always take time out when a child is sick or to attend a PTA meeting, but he is not allowed to take leave to send his dog to the vet!

 

Oftentimes, the church is just as guilty although the discrimination is subtler. My friends complain that they are often perceived as young and inexperienced, simply because they are single.

 

Then, there is the hassle of always having to give an account of why I am single. I am amazed that even total strangers seem to take a personal interest in my marital status. They would smile politely before asking me the all-important question without batting an eyelid.

 

For singles living in a "married world", life can get pretty scary. One single friend lamented that there are days when he just wants to go out for dinner and watch a movie with a friend. "The problem is," he tells me, "most of my friends have got married!" My own observation is that, in most cases, I see very little of my friends after they are married. There was a time when I froze at the thought that if things continued this way, my pool of friends would shrink to the size of a hazelnut!

 

But being single is not all bad. In fact, there are actually many plus factors. One of the great advantages of being single is that I can make almost any decision about life instantaneously without having to consult anyone, in particular, my other (non- existent) half. If and when I become engrossed in a good novel or get carried away with a new hobby, I can stay happily indulgent until the wee hours of the morning without affecting anyone (except, of course, my work the next day). Like they say, I can just "pack up and go" anytime.

 

I love the freedom of having my own space without always having to consider the needs and feelings of another person. I can spend my money any way I like, any time I like, without having to justify my purchases. There are no in-laws and children to think of (except for my adorable nephews and nieces). Consequently, I can devote all my energies to the people and causes I choose. I can pursue a career and find fulfillment in the things I am able and gifted to do. I know for a fact that my bosses have always been delighted with my dedication to my work because of my single status. The flexibility of the single life and the ability of singles to devote themselves wholly to the Lord were probably foremost in Paul's mind when he advocated the single life.

 

While acknowledging the many joys of the single life, I must not belittle the many difficulties singles face. The challenges of being single are real, not imagined. When one is single and living alone, falling sick, for example, can be especially trying. One elderly lady I know from church died in her apartment, but it was several days before anyone realized she was missing. I think the biggest challenge for the single person is the struggle with loneliness. We see this vividly portrayed in Friends and Ally McBeal. For the single person, loneliness can be especially poignant during times of festivities when everyone is busy with family. For me, there is also the dreaded line that accompanies every ang pow I receive during Chinese New Year, "Let this be the last!" — a remark that suggests I should quickly pick out a name (any name!) from my list of single friends of the opposite gender and get married before the year is out.

 

For so many singles, life is put on hold until Ms or Mr Right comes along. In a strange way, life seems incomplete until it is shared with that special other. But what if she or he does not turn up? One married friend reminded me recently that it is possible to be lonely even when one is married. Clearly, the deepest longings of our hearts are cries for God and only He can satisfy our deepest need. Single or married, we must find our security in God.

 

In the same way, singles must also find their vocation in life. They must believe that God is not biased (as the world appears to be sometimes) and that they have as significant roles to play in God's world and kingdom as any married couple. Obviously, they have the flexibility that few married couples enjoy; and they must be affirmed in their unique gifting and encouraged to serve in church, at their workplaces, in their neighborhoods and among their relatives.

 

But if singles are to lead successful single lives, they must live in community. By staying connected — whether with family, friends or members of the church — the single person finds support, strength and perhaps even a shared sense of humor to overcome the incredible odds of being single in today's coupled world, and is affirmed to live life to the fullest.

 

The nature of the single life is such that it is possible to lead an utterly selfish life if one is not careful. It can be a case of just I, me and myself. But being single does not mean that I have to be a loner. In fact, we were not created to be alone. We are relational beings made to live with other people. If it were not so, there would be only one great commandment — to love God, with no further reference to loving people. But that is not the case.

 

I have met many singles who yearn to be married. Believe it or not, I have also met many married people who miss the single life. Some even wish they never married at all but stay married to honor their marriage vows. As one friend very wisely put it, "It's a different set of problems altogether once you are married."

 

Singlehood is a state of being in the journey of life. All of us were at one time single, some of us are still single, and those of us who are married may one day find ourselves single again. Although often told otherwise, I realize that being single is not a crime, neither is it a disease. The single life is to be celebrated and enjoyed but that can only happen when singles learn to accept and embrace the state they are in. What would really help is for married people to accept us as we are, treat us fairly and not keep harping on our single state.