The Art of Self-Matchmaking

by Dr Leong Tien Fock

A marriage may be made in heaven but it has to work on earth. So any spiritual discussion on finding a life partner must also be realistic. The most famous case of looking for a mate in the Bible is found in Gen 24. Here we find a perfect match between the "spiritual" (God's leading) and the "realistic" (human discernment).

Abraham made his trusted servant Eliezer swear that he would not get Isaac a Canaanite wife but would go back to Mesopotamia and find his son a life partner from among his relatives. Though Eliezer was acting as a matchmaker we can still learn from him how to find our own life partner, as all marriages are "matchmade"- whether we act as our own matchmaker or someone else does it for us.

Right from the start, Canaanites were ruled out for religious and moral reasons. In finding the "right" life partner we need to bear in mind the biblical requirement not to be "unequally yoked" and any personal requirements like "heart for mission" and then rule out right away anyone who does not qualify. If we "fall in love" first, requirements may no longer matter and we have to live with the consequences. It was easy for Eliezer to rule out anyone who did not qualify, as his own emotions were not involved. So if we do not allow our emotions to get involved too early we can be a good matchmaker for ourselves.

Eliezer's mission was made more difficult when Abraham further ruled out Isaac's returning to Mesopotamia. For the woman may not be willing to leave her homeland to go to Canaan. But Abraham assured him that he would be freed from the oath if the woman would not follow him back. Thus Eliezer would not feel desperate and compromise on Isaac's best interests.

We are more likely to guard our emotions and protect our best interests if we do not feel desperate. "But is there anything worse than not getting married?" you may ask. Yes. Being married to the wrong person. The high rate of failed marriages should warn us against walking into an emotional trap with eyes wide open. We need to be willing and prepared to remain single if a suitable person does not come along.

When Eliezer arrived at his destination he went to the well outside the city at a time when the women would go and draw water. He asked God to show him the right woman but spelled out how she was to be identified: she would offer him a drink as well as offer to water his camels. To water 10 camels is hard work. Thus the woman God shows him would be one of good character, showing unusual kindness and a willingness to work hard. Rebekah, the first woman who showed up, qualified.

Thus trusting in God's leading does not exempt us from the need to discern. Eliezer was able to observe Rebekah's natural self and spontaneous behavior, without her realizing that she was being evaluated. We need to do the same in discerning if a potential mate meets the minimum requirements. Even then, when a man and a woman get married and begin to live together, there will always be some disappointment. But as they learn to love and accept each other the marriage gets better as the years go by. However, if we had failed to discern properly, the disappointment may turn out to be too overwhelming.

To find the right person Eliezer went to the place where such a person could be found. This does not mean we join a certain group or participate in a certain activity just in order to find a life partner. We may scare away good potential mates. Instead, as we live out our beliefs and values through active participation in groups or activities that embody them, we would find ourselves in the midst of people with the same beliefs and values.

Nowadays, such participation may even be through the Internet, but we need to heed the usual cautions religiously. As the opportunity to observe the other person is often limited to what he says and does online, we need to discern even whether the forum he chooses to participate in does indeed reflect who he really is. A "woman" who participates in a Christian forum may be neither a Christian nor a woman. It would be wise to use this means to meet a potential life partner only when all others fail.

Many years ago, a young woman wrote:

"Dear God," I prayed, all unafraid,

(As girls are apt to be),

"I do not want a handsome man,

But let him be like Thee.

"I do not need one big and strong,

Nor one so very tall,

Nor need he be some genius,

Or wealthy, Lord, at all.

"But let his head be high, dear God,

And let his eyes be clear,

His shoulders straight, whate'er his state,

Whate'er his earthly sphere.

"And let his face have character

A ruggedness of soul,

And let his whole life show, dear God,

A singleness of goal.

"And when he comes, as he will come,

With quiet eyes aglow,

I'll understand that he's the man

I prayed for long ago."

This young woman was named Ruth. She became Mrs Billy Graham. As she subjected her will to God's will, God gave her beyond what she asked.

Does "God's will" mean one specific person only? If we sincerely desire God's will and He does have a specific person in mind, He will make it clear to us. Otherwise (and this is most often the case) anyone who meets the biblical and our personal requirements falls within "God's will". As we wait for someone who qualifies to come along, it helps to become the kind of person that such a one would be attracted to. And needless to say, if we set personal requirements that are materialistic (such as "must be rich") we are out of God's will to begin with.

Dr Leong Tien Fock is Research coordinator of Malaysia Campus Crusade for Christ.